Perhaps …
Once upon a time, there was a wise Chinese farmer who was admired and envied by his neighbors because, alone of all of them, he owned a horse.
One night, a wild storm raged through the region. The winds destroyed a part of the farmer’s corral, and in the morning, the horse was gone.
The villagers, when they heard the news, trooped over to the farmer’s house.
“What a terrible event!” they cried.
The farmer shrugged.
“Perhaps,” he said.
A few nights later, the farmer was awakened by a commotion. He stumbled to the window and saw by the light of the moon that his own horse had returned, leading a small herd of wild horses. He and his son managed to herd the horses into the corral. When the villagers heard the news the next morning, they trooped over to the farmer’s house.
“What a wonderful thing!” they cried.
The farmer shrugged.
“Perhaps,” he said.
Several days later, while attempting to break one of the wild horses, the farmer’s 16-year-old son was thrown and broke his leg. The villagers assembled and offered their condolences.
“What a terrible event!” they cried.
“Perhaps,” the farmer said.
Within a week, the emperor’s troops rode through the village and conscripted all able-bodied males over the age of fourteen.
And so it goes …
I wish I could remember this story during the rough times in my life. This summer was a rough time. After 14 months of unemployment, I got a job. Then I got sick and had to cut my hours. Then my boss said he really needed me to work full time, and I couldn’t, so I gave notice and starting wondering if disability would be an option (it wasn’t). Then my boss said he might have some part-time hourly work for me. Then the owner of the rights to some content I was hoping to use for another project was very enthusiastic and supportive. Then my boss asked if I could stay on as a permanent employee (with benefits) at 30 hours a week.
During the parts of the summer where things were falling away, I was not saying, “Perhaps.” I was saying, “Oh my God. I’m going to be a bag lady. I may as well pick out my shopping cart right now. I’m going to die alone and sick. I’m never going to work again.”
During the parts of the summer when things started coming together, I was ecstatic. “This is perfect! Exactly what I need/want!”
There’s no question that I like the coming-together parts better than the falling-apart parts. But it is believing my judgments and preferences that gets me into trouble. I get scared, and then believe that there is reason to be scared. I find exactly what I want, and then believe that it is indeed perfect – and then begin to fear losing it.
The wise farmer lives in a place Inner Relationship Focusing calls “Self-in-Presence.” From this position, a person can enjoy the good times, feel compassion for her own pain and fear in the hard times, and keep an emotional balance through all of it. This does not mean never having emotions. What it means is not being dragged around by emotions.
I’m there sometimes. I promised my Focusing mentor, Reva, that I would cross-stitch the word “Perhaps” and hang in on my living room wall. Maybe I’ll see it next time when I’m caught up in the drama, and remember the farmer, and shrug a little at the parts of myself that are freaking out, and say, with a kind smile, “Perhaps.”
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~Lerissa
Tags: Focusing, Inner Relationship Focusing, Self-in-Presence
This entry was posted by Lerissa at 9:44 pm and is filed under A Focusing Life.
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wrote on 
Great post, as usual! Thanks, and please post more often.
Ernie